An Open Letter To Lt. Dan Choi

Dear Lt. Choi,

In a recent interview with Lawrence O'Donnell, you said that you feel like "a battered wife" because of the way President Obama has handled, or in your opinion not handled, the subject of equality in this great country of ours. Before I go any further, I want to say that I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have suffered physical, psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of more than one partner. So this is a topic I know a little bit about. The fact that I have been through this is why I am confused by your statement. Before I get to the specific reasons for my confusion, let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Because if you have not, you have no idea what it feels like to be a battered person. So if you have never been battered, why sir, would you make such a statement?

Now back to my confusion. Were you and President Obama in a relationship? Because a key component of being a battered person is being in a relationship with the batterer. Let me explain this. If someone is not doing something that I want them to do or that I think they should be doing, I would in no way know how a battered women feels. Simply because there are many things that a batterer puts his/her victims through. The one people usually think of is physical violence. Has President Obama physically abuse you in some way, Mr. Choi? There are other more insidious ways that abusers control their victims. Because that is what a batterer wants, control over his/her victim. Does President Obama want to control you, Mr. Choi? One way that abusers try to control their victims is to constantly use statements such as your ugly, your stupid, no one else would want you, etc. Statements such as these are said in order to break down the battered person's very soul, their very being. Did President Obama ever make such statements to you? No, I don't mean you feeling like he implies your a second class citizen because he will not come out for marriage equality. I mean a daily beating down of your spirit with hateful words, not what you percieve the President's thoughts to be because of his lack of action. Which by the way since non of us can read minds, you have no idea what his personal thoughts are on the subject. What he feels deep inside, nto what he says to the media.

These are just a couple of the ways that abuse manifests itself into a relationship that are included on the power and control wheel of domestic violence. Just a few of the situations that a battered person goes through. I don't know you or President Obama personally, Lt. Choi, but I am willing to bet that President Obama has done none of this to you. Until President Obama does things to you that an abuser does to his victim, I respectfully ask that you refrain from comparing yourself to a batterred wife. It lessens what we who have been abused or are being abused go through. Those specific words were used simply as a ploy by you to gain sympathy for yourself. The ironic thing is that people who have truly been battered are rarely looking for sympathy.

On a seperate note, as an out and proud lesbian, I would like to recommend to you instead of using hate to fight for the rights of all of us, start using intelligent, thought provoking words. Debate people on the merits of the issue, not on hate, bitterness or gimmicks (such as "I feel like a battered wife"). People will generally respond better to rational intelligent words rather than they will to angry, bitter words. Of course not everyone will, but people who will not listen to intelligent well thouht out thoughts are people who are also not going to listen to irrational speaking. President Obama is not perfect. And like you, I have at times felt frustrated and feel he has not done enough. But then I remember one simple fact. That our President has done more for gay rights than any other President has. Under other Presidents we got laws like DADT and DOMA. Like I said, President Obama is not perfect and he has made mistakes. But is either of us perfect? Haven't we both made many mistakes in our lives? I would never say who another person should vote for. What I will say is I feel if someone does not vote for President Obama because he has not come out for marriage equality, it is a pretty poor reason not to vote for him. If someone said they wouldn't vote for him because they do not believe with his economic policies, or I won't vote for him because he has not brought out troops home quick enough, I would understand that. But to vote for him because he has not come out for marriage equality? I don't understand that. Especially when he said during his whole campaign that he was NOT for gay marriage, civil unions yes, but marriage equality, no.

I do understand that in 1996 he stated that he was for gay marriage, but by the time the Presidential election came around, he said he was against it. So if a person voted for him in 2008 knowing that he was against same-sex marriage, why would they now vote against him because he stuck to what he said during his campaign? It is not like he broke a campaign promise, he has stuck with what he said during the campaign. To now say nope, I can't vote for you again because you are still against marriage equality is akin to a woman marrying a man that she knows does not want children but she marries him anyway. Then she divorces him because he did not change his mind and decide to have children. We all knew how he felt on the subject, he was quite vocal about it. But a lot of us in the gay community still voted for him. Yes, his feelings on the subject have been "evolving" for awhile now, but would we rather take a chance on a President who is at least evolving on the subject so the possibility exists of him changing his mind or a President who has no intention on doing anything to pass a marriage equality law? Would we rather have a President who at the very least is willing to let the states make their own choice or a President who would make sure that not only did DOMA stay law, but make sure that no state could have marriage equality? Just some food for thought!

Janet Lee Smith
Out and Proud Married Lesbian in Massachusetts
Survivor of Domestic Violence

Randomness

Let me begin by saying this is going to be a "different" blog post. So don't expect my usual ranting on a specific subject.  :)

I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. I am also an ever evolving human being which means I am often able to look at things I have said or done and realize when I am wrong. The best part is I can then learn from those mistakes, hopefully if I have wronged someone I will be a big enough person to tell that person that I was wrong. One thing that keeps me evolving is an open-mind. We cannot evolve if our minds are closed to anything that we do not agree with or that we do not inderstand.

As humans, most of us hate change. Which is weird because change is such a big part of life. I don't know about anyone else, but I will sometimes fight change tooth and nail. Change is something else that helps us to evolve. Change is one of those things that can be good or bad. It could make us very joyful, such as becoming engaged. Or it can devastate us, such as a divorce. But no matter what situation you are in, it is all in how we react to a situation. In any sitution are you going to hold your head up and act with class and dignity? Or are you going to get down in the dirt and show zero class?

I know this is a very random post. With what will appearto be ramblings. These are just some of the things I have been thinking about.

Janet Lee Smith
06/23/2011

Tracy Morgan's Rant & Subsequent Apology

So we have a case of a hateful rant against a minority and another apology. Before I begin I would like to say that I love comedy, especially stand-up. I love a good joke. Even a good gay or lesbian joke. Yup I'm a lesbian. But a good joke is a good joke. Some of my favorite jokes have been by lesbian or gay comedian's and one reason I often find them funny is because they are so true! The truth can be funny! Like how many of you have heard jokes about lesbians and U-Haul? These jokes about lesbians and U-Hauls are funny because they are true. Every lesbian should own stock in U-Haul, seriously. What is the talk between two lesbians the day after a first date? Lesbian 1: OMG I had so much fun last night! Lesbian 2: (as she looks dreamily into lesbian 1's eyes) It was the best first date ever, I never thought I would meet someone like you! Lesbian 1: I really liked your apartment, but I think my house would be better for us to live in, you'll love it when you see it! That sounds great, I'll call U-Haul and start packing today. I can move in this weekend and we will be so happy together! I love you so much! Yes, this is true. This is what a lot of lesbians do. So I'm sure you can see how many funny jokes can come out of that. On the other hand this is not even remotely funny: "he'd stab that "nigger" to death with a knife. He also said that gays need to stop being pussies and stop whining about things as insignificant as bullying. And he added that being gay is a choice, and if they can fucking take it up the ass,then they can't take a fucking joke." How is this hate filled rant funny? Tracy, the only joke I see here is you.

Of course there was backlash from his comments. Heck with social media like Facebook and Twitter, their is usually a lot of backlash from almost anything a famous person does. Mr. Morgan responded the way people usually respond when they let their bigotry (against any minority, this is not simply about gay people, it is about discrimination) show for all the world to see. He apologized. Who could not see that coming?

His "apology" stated that what he said was not funny in any context. He didn't know this BEFORE he said it? He didn't know BEFORE he said it that it was hateful things to say? What he said was not simply jokes. They were mean, hateful comments that show how he feels about gay people. Pure and simple. You do not say things like he said unless you actually think them, unless that is how you feel deep inside of you of being. So no, an apology won't cut it. It was an apology to help save his sorry ass and his career. It was an insincere apology. He did not over night stop being homophobic. Only a homophobe would say the things he said even as a "joke". Especially there was nothing funny about what he said. Like I said I enjoy comedy. What I don't enjoy is hateful speech about ANYONE.

Someone on a Facebook post of a friend of mine mentioned bullying and that is a great point. How many gay people, especially young impressionable gay people, watched what he said? I'm willing to bet that for everyone of us who got angry and indignant there was at least one person who took what he said to heart. Who immediately felt less than. Who wondered should they even live. THAT is not comedy. Comedy can be offensive and still be comedy. George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, heck even Bob Saget, the father Full House, all have done offensive material. Because offensive is in the ear of the listener. What I find offensive someone else may not, and what someone else finds offensive I may not. What he said went way beyond offensive. What he said was hate.


Like my friend Ben, I don't understand anyone who would condone or defend his actions. I simply don't get it. Ben mentioned Michael Richards from Seinfeld in a post and what happened to him. He was so ostracized for his actions at one of his standup routines that I don't think his career has ever been the same. Is it a different situation because that had to do with African Americans and this has to do with gays? Discrimination is discrimination, no matter how you cut it.I understand that Richards also insulted a heckler, so he went after an actual individual, but again, hate should never be acceptable in any form. We all have freedom of speech in this country. That is one of the many great things about this country is all of our freedoms. Men and women fight every day to help ensure that we keep all of our freedoms. But just because we can say or do something should we? A man can walk out on his wife and 10 kids and never see them again, never paying a dime to help support the kids he made. He has the freedom to do that. But does that mean he should? What he should do is pay child support to help support his children. How often does that actually happen? My point is that just because we have the freedom to do something, it does not make it right.

Janet Lee Smith

06/12/2011