Being A Lesbian In Today’s Society

Being a lesbian today should be easier that it was 22 years ago when I had my first lesbian relationship. I know from books I had read and from older lesbians that I had talked to, that at that time it was easier than it was twenty years before that. So shouldn’t it be even easier now? In some ways, I guess it is easier.

At 16, I lost my first job because I was a lesbian. I was young and did not realize it was something I should keep to myself. Today, everyone at my job knows I am a lesbian. No, I did not start and shout it at the top of my lungs, however, when I talk about about my partner, I never say my “roommate” or any other term that would suggest she is less to me that what she is. I work at a call center for a company that owns several top hotels, and one of our benefits is being able to get rooms at these hotels at a much reduced rate. This is a benefit that is also extended to our families. We have to fill out a paper with the names of our families, and one of the categories of people who are eligible is “spouse/domestic partner”. Well, this is something that would not have been an option twenty years ago. She can also be on my insurance, another option that was not available twenty years ago. So, yes I guess it has become a little easier. We still have a long way to go though.

I live in Massachusetts where it is now legal for gays and lesbians to marry. But there is still a fight ahead. It is waiting to go before the state legislature again. Last time it did so, they voted to leave it the way it is, the next vote will be the last one. If by some chance the vote were to change next time, it would go to the general public of Massachusetts on the ballot. I like to think that this state is very open-minded, and the new law will stand. While it is with great joy that my fiancée and I plan our wedding, the fear is still in the back of my mind that this may be overturned. A lot of the opponents of this law do not realize that most of us want this for far greater reasons than a little piece of paper. Let’s face it, as far as the love that Shanna and I have for each other, that little paper is not going to make it greater. There are much more important reasons for gays and lesbians to want to have a legal marriage. While I am not going to state all those reasons here, I will mention one. If Shanna or I were to get very ill and be in the hospital, the hospital could say to the other, “I’m sorry but only immediate family can go in there”, do you know how just typing that makes me feel? The fact that one of us could be ill and the person who means more to us than anything in the world can not even be by our side? Not to mention the fact that none of Shanna’s family is here, since she moved here from New York so we could be together. She would be in that hospital room all by herself.


One thing I do not understand is the reasoning behind “them” not wanting us to be able to marry. They say if we are allowed to marry, we will ruin the institution of marriage. I say how can we possibly ruin it any more than heterosexual people already have? Take a good look at the divorce rate, they are doing a great job of ruining the sanctity of marriage. I know gay and lesbian couples who have been together at least 15 years, and some more than 25 years. Yet I know straight couples who could not make it past 1 year. Granted, there are a lot of gay or lesbian couples who also do not stay together. But, in my community, monogamy among gay and lesbian couples is not a rarity like people think it is. In fact with the people that I know, whether it be from school, work, or other activities where I get to know people, monogamy seems to be more prevalent among the homosexual community than it is in the heterosexual community.


Our president wants to change the Constitution to make gay marriages illegal. He says he wants to preserve the meaning of marriage. What about preserving the things that our forefathers wanted for the people of this country? They wanted all American’s to be treated equally. Every president should want all American’s to be treated fairly under the laws of the United States. Not President Bush. By changing the Constitution, he would be discriminating against gays and lesbians. He would in effect be saying that we do not deserve the same rights as our heterosexual counterparts. When did this type of thinking become ok? When did the President of the United States become God? No, I do not think this will pass. Not because I am in denial, but because I think the majority of American’s, no matter what their opinion is of homosexuality, do not believe in changing the constitution to discriminate against anyone. Even though I do not think it will pass, I find the fact that it is even an issue quite appalling.


Another issue facing lesbians and gays is whether or not we should raise children. Most of the reasons giving for us not having children are so off base. Let’s take a look at one of them. My favorite is a child should have a mommy and a daddy. First of all, children should have a parent or parents that love them and can care for them. How many children are being raised by either mother’s who do not know who their children’s father are and have a different “father” figure for these children every couple of months, if that long, or by mother’s who knew who their father was, but the father ran off even before the child was born? Let’s face it, in today’s society, just because a child is being raised by a man and a woman does not mean they are being raised in a good or healthy atmosphere. There are a lot of children out there who are being raised by mother’s and father’s who either beat them, spend all their time doing drugs, are in and out of jail, or any number of other situations where the child is being neglected. Is it really better for children to be raised in that type of home? Or in a home where the parent’s happen to be two females or males, but they are loved and cared for? I have a few friends who are raising children in lesbian households, and the kids are well adjusted normal kids. The fact is anyone can make a baby, not anyone can take care of that baby. What should matter is that the children are being cared for properly and are receiving lots of love. Not the gender or sexual orientation of their parents.


Being a lesbian is actually being part of a larger community. The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered community. One thing I don’t understand is the fact that some people in each section of this community still discriminate against other sectors of this community. What I do not understand is how we as lesbians who have to deal with being discriminated against ourselves, can discriminate against others in our community. We need to stand together as a community. Lesbians, gay men, bi-sexual’s and transgendered individuals. Because even though we have come a long way, we still have along way to go, and we are fighting the same fight. The fight for people to look at us as individuals, as the same as them, not just as people who sleep with the same sex. Because let’s face it, we are much more than who we sleep with. We are mother, sisters, aunts, students,writers, lawyers, fast food workers, postal workers, stay at home moms, and a whole lot more. We are a very diverse community, and we come from all walks of life. The only difference between us and heterosexual women is the fact that we love other women. No one has been able to come up with a concrete reason why some women love other women and some men love other men, but that reason is not simply sex. For myself, I feel more of a connection with women than with men. Women are also more gentle and caring than men, and can meet the emotional needs of a women more than a man can, in my opinion. And for me, meeting my emotional needs is a lot more important than meeting my sexual needs. These opinions of course are mine and not everyone feels the same way.


So, is it easier being a lesbian in today’s society than it was in the past? Yes. It is still not easy, but we do have it better. We just have different problems to deal with. In a way I thank God for those problems. Because it shows just how far we have come. In the fifties and sixties, gay bars got raided and people got arrested for dancing or being close to people of the same sex. Having to fight for marriage means that we do not have to hide our sexuality anymore and pretend to be something we are not. Stonewall is something that I feel more than likely could not happen today, and for that I am grateful. If we keep on fighting for our rights, people in a generation or two may not have to go through what we have, just like we do not have to go through what generations before us went through.

Janet Lee Smith
2006