This blog post has the possibility of pissing off some women. Oh well. If it does, I am forever saying something that pisses someone off. It's like I always tell my wife when she gives me a hard time over something I say: If it is not true you wouldn't give me a hard time. Same theory here, if what I am about to say makes you angry, perhaps you should look at yourself. Before I go any further I want to say that this does not apply to all mothers. I actually hope it applies to very few mothers. But one thing I know for sure is although I do not know how many women do what I am going to talk about, I know that some do. I also know it should never happen.
I am a woman, of course. Maybe that is how I know how vindictive some woman can be. Maybe it is because I have had my share of vindictive moments. Not something I'm proud of, but I have said things that should have never come out of my mouth, just because I wanted to get even with someone who had hurt me. That isn't even a woman thing, it is a human thing. A human response to being hurt. What this blog post talks about goes beyond using words to get even. Something that unfortunately hurts innocent bystanders: making one parent pay for something they did to the other parent by using their children.
Children are always innocent bystanders in the break-up of a relationship. Children simply want to maintain a relationship with both parents. Some parents would do anything to get even with the other parent for something they did wrong. Usually cheating and/or leaving the other parent for another person. Sometimes simply for ending the relationship, with no other person involved. They simply do not want to be in the relationship any longer. So they use the child/children as a pawn.
You left me, so you will see the children only when I am there. You cheated on me, so you will never see your children. Oftentimes the only thing that "offending" parent did was leave the relationship or cheat. Or in some other way hurt the parent making the decisions. Deciding that it is within their rights to say if and when the other parent sees their children. The parent making these decisions is often the mother. Not always, but generally.
Some mother's seem to think they have that right, simply because they are the child's mother. The problem with that thinking is a woman has no extra right to a child because she is the mother. Father's have the same rights as a mother. They have the same rights as the mother to see the child and to have custody of the child. I'm not sure if it is the fact that historically the courts in this country have given custody to mother's that causes this thinking or if it is something else. But whatever causes this thinking, mother's simply do not have greater right to children than father's do. Luckily courts do realize this now, and a father receiving custody of a child is not a rare occurrence. In my opinion, if both parent's are good parent's and both want custody, they should have shared custody.
Don't get me wrong, there are men who do not deserve custody and there are men who should have no more than supervised visits. There are also women who these situations apply to. A persons gender alone does not make them suitable parents. One thing I am sure of is that no child should be used as a pawn for either parent to get even for injustices against them, real or imagined. A parents main concern should be their child's welfare, not getting even with another person. If a person puts their own needs in front of the needs of their children, it makes me wonder how competent they are to ever put their child's needs above their own.
Of course the parent can take it to court and fight for visitation, joint custody or sole custody. The problem is that courts are backlogged and it takes time to get a court date. A child should not have to wait for a court date to be able to spend time with both their parent's. Two people who were once in love should be able to set up arrangements for them both to spend time with their children. It is not only the adult thing to do, it is the right thing to do for the child/children. After all, the well being of the child should be what is of utmost importance to any parent's ending a relationship. This is never easy on a child, and parents should want to make it as easy as possible.
I know it is hard when someone cheats on you or when someone unexpectedly ends a relationship. Sometimes it is devastating. But a persons response should never be to use another human being, especially their child, to get even. Especially a child. When a child is not allowed to see one of their parent's, they are the one being hurt. Yes, it may hurt the other parent, but the person hurt the most is the person who both parent's should be doing everything to protect and take care of. Keeping a child away from their other parent, unless that parent is a danger to the child, is not taking good care of that child. It is emotionally and mentally hurting that child. And in the long run it may hurt you, because at some point that child is going to be old enough to understand what you did. When they do, it may be you who loses your relationship with your child.
As always, these are my opinions. But the fact that actions like I have discussed here can emotionally or mentally damage a child is not only my opinion, it is a psychological fact.
Janet Lee Smith
02/16/2011
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