This blog post is titled Marriage Equality and not Gay Marriage Rights for a reason. If you know me or have read stuff I have written or posted on Facebook or Twitter you know how I feel about the term "gay marriage", for those of you who do not know why I prefer marriage equality vs. gay marriage, let me explain. One reason is we are not looking for different rights than our heterosexual counterparts already have, so why should it have a special name? Do we say heterosexual marriage? No. We simply say marriage. So why should it be called gay marriage? Another reason is we don't want to be separate we want to be equal. Civil unions are not acceptable because they are not equal, so why would we call marriage anything other than simply marriage? Marriage equality says it much better, in my opinion. It says exactly what I want. Marriage and Equality. The words gay marriage imply difference. I don't want difference. I want the same.
Although the tide is turning regarding this subject and more and more people at least don't want to fight marriage equality and a lot of heterosexual people now fighting the fight right alongside us, there are still a lot of people who don't want to see gay people able to get married. The main argument is that gay people getting married will ruin the institution of marriage. I don't get this. And no one who feels this way has ever explained to me exactly how my marriage is going to ruin the institution of marriage. I say my marriage because I live in Massachusetts and we have had the legal right to marry since 2004. My wife and I have been married since August of 2007. We have been together since June of 2001. Guess what? Gays have been able to get married in Mass since 2004 and the state is still around! No major problems were created, the sky didn't fall. There hasn't even been a lot of real publicity around it in the state since in awhile. Some people rejoiced, some people fought it, some people didn't really care one way or the other. But no matter how people felt, it was only a matter of time before life simply went on as usual in the state.
Ok, back to my marriage and how it can affect marriage in general. As we all know the divorce rate has been over 50% I believe since around the 70's, possibly the 80's. So the institution of marriage has not been exactly stable for many years. So if gays and lesbians marry and get divorced, the divorce rate will remain stable. BUT, if we get married and stay married, the divorce rate will go down. I say that simply because if the marriage rate increases and the divorce rate increases, nothing will happen to the divorce rate. However, if the amount of people who get married goes up yet less of those people get divorced, the divorce rate will go down. Simple math. There has been a long and hard fight for marriage equality, and it is slowly being won. At least on the state level. Even on the federal level, things are turning around. But for gay people over the age of 25, marriage was not always a possibility. It still isn't for the majority of gay people. It is for that reason that I feel the homosexual community takes marriage very seriously. Does that mean that no gay people will get married just for the heck of it? Only to be divorced and marrying someone else within a couple of years? No, it doesn't. But I think for the majority of gay people, we understand all too well how important the right to marry is, and take it very seriously.
A marriage is a marriage. No matter what two people are in the marriage. Just like people are people no matter what their sexual orientation is. The only difference is that we love members of the same sex. Our relationships are not only about the sex, but so many people in society still think that it is all about sex. Yes, we are sexually attracted to members of the same sex, but it is so much more than that. When heterosexual people get into a relationship or get married, is it simply about sex? Do heterosexual people spend every moment of every day having sex? No, of course not. Neither do gay people. Our relationships are the same exact relationships as heterosexual people have. Therefore any marriage that we have will be the same exact marriage as heterosexual people have. One thing that is needed is for people to stop thinking about sex when thinking about homosexuals. When thinking about heterosexual people and their relationships or their marriages, people don't think wow! they are having sex! People are so concerned with all the sex that we have and how we are all supposed to go from relationship to relationship to think we can actually have a regular every day marriage. So many people think that none of us ever have long term relationships, either we are not capable of it or simply choose not to have them, so how could we ever have long lasting marriages? Well, I am here to tell you that gay people can have long term relationships. My wife and I have been together for 10 years in three months. We have been married for 3 and a half years. I don't know about anyone else, but I would consider 10 years a long term relationship. Other than my brothers I don't know a lot of heterosexual couples who have been together as long as Shanna and I have. But I do know several gay couples who have not only been together as long as Shanna and I, but who have been together for 15, 20 and more years. I consider Shanna and I a good example of an every day, ordinary marriage. I don't at all understand how us being married can hurt the institution of marriage.
Not all gay people want to get married, of course. But most gay people at least want to be able to. Why wouldn't we want to be able to? Being denied the ability to marry is being denied one of the most basic rights afforded to the heterosexual community. It is discrimination, pure and simple. It is saying that gay people are not equal to heterosexual people. It is saying we are second class citizens. It is saying "they" are better than "we" are. This is 2011 and this country has dealt with discrimination for many, many years. I wonder why we are still allowing it to go on. Haven't we learned anything from the history of our country? Why do people still have to fight for basic civil rights? Why are some American's treated like they are better than other American's? The good news is that women are no longer treated as the property of first their fathers, then their husbands, then their sons if their husbands die. Women and African American's have the right to vote. We can no longer own another human being. And no one in the country is counted as 3/5's of a human being for the purpose of the census. Everyone can go to the same school and use the same public restrooms. Interracial couples can marry. These are all positive things. They also say to me that it is only a matter of time before marriage equality is a reality in the whole country, not just certain states. The fact that even a few of the states have made marriage equality a reality makes me happy. I have realized I was a lesbian since I was 16 years old. I am 45 years old now. So I spent a great many years thinking I would never be able to marry another woman. Today I am married, even though it is not recognized federally, my state does recognize it. That is a positive sign.
Some things take time. And they say that anything worth having is worth waiting for. I do have to say that marriage equality is worth anything it takes. This goes for all civil rights. All American's being treated equally is worth the fight. Marriage equality is just the latest fight for civil rights. I think I will see marriage equality on the federal level in my lifetime. This is something for years I never thought I would ever see. What I don't think I will see in my lifetime is a day when everyone (and I mean everyone) never thinks of the markers of identity of anyone else. A day when things like race, sexual orientation, gender, social class, weight, age, etc will no longer matter. A day when what matters is what is inside a person. A persons character. I have to believe that day will come. I just don't see it coming in my lifetime. Hopefully the children being born today will grow up in a world like that. One way to assure that is for the adults raising children and all the other adults around them to start seeing only what is inside a person. If a parent is bigoted in any way, that is what children will learn. After all, children learn by example. Hopefully children who hear prejudiced ideas in their home will learn someplace else that hate is not a way to live life. Especially hate for something as basic as race, age, sexual orientation or anything else like that.
Janet Lee Smith
02/26/2011
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