Blaming the victim of a sexual assault, any type of sexual assault, is unfortunately very common. When we think of victim blaming, we think of the person person doing it being anyone from a family member to friends to strangers to a member of a criminal justice system. The person we don't often think of as being someone who blames the victim is the actual victim her(or him)self. After all, why would they blame themselves? There actually are reasons why a victim would blame them self. Not valid reasons, of course. But reasons that the victim convinces them self is a good reason.
The biggest reason a victim would blame them self is easy. Other people blaming them. If enough people tell us often enough that we did something wrong, it is easy to believe them. Especially when it comes to something like sexual assault. When people say to us things like "you should not have been wearing that" or "you should not have been in that area alone" or any other such statement often enough, we start to believe them. Especially when the people saying that are those closest to us. One would think that people like a parent, a sibling, or a spouse/significant other would never blame their loved one for being attacked. Why would someone hurt someone that they professed to love? I guess there are as many different answers to that question as there are people who engage in victim blaming. One thing I can say for sure is it is never acceptable to blame a victim of any crime for the crime committed against them, especially not someone we love. We are supposed to support those we love in times of trouble. We are supposed to show them that we care for them and that we are there by their side as they go through troubling times. Blaming a person for a crime committed against them is not loving, caring, or supportive.
Another reason victims sometimes blame themselves is because they feel they did not say no or did not say no firmly enough. What they forget is it is not that they did not want to say no, sometimes giving in is the lesser of two evils. But let there be no mistake, giving in is not necessarily a yes. For instance if someone lets you know by word or deed that either you give in or you will die, giving in is the best way to go. It is not saying yes to the act, it is saying no to possibly dying. Also, if we fight an attack, there is more of a chance of greater physical harm, up,to and including death, being done to us, whether they say we are going to die or not. Fighting an attacker just spurs them on. Giving in to someone who is a parental figure, whether it be an actual parent or someone who was always like a parent is also not saying yes, this is ok, I want to have sex with you. It doesn't matter whether you are a child or an adult when it happens, giving in does not equal saying it is ok. We are taught from a very young age to obey our parent's or other adults. Especially if you are over a certain age. Obeying adults has become not as important today as it once was. But I can tell you when I was young you did not say no to adults. And if you are over a certain age, the adults from your childhood are still adults and you are still a child, at least in your head. Does this mean that no adult would fight sexual advances from their parent's? No. But just because one does not fight incest does not mean it is a consensual act or a consensual sexual relationship, no matter the age of the victim/survivor. I prefer the word survivor myself. When we call someone a victim, we keep them in the victim role. A parent trying to have sex with their child is always wrong. No matter what the age of the person is or whether the person gives in. The parent is always at fault there.
Of course there are also sexual acts while someone is drunk or high. Let me get one thing straight here. Someone who is intoxicated or high cannot give legal consent. But besides the legal aspect, there is the fact that if we are impaired by some substance, we don't know what we are doing. Or we think we are doing something that we want to, but in reality it is the substance that is making us think we want it. Does that mean that you definitely did not want to sleep with that person you slept with last night because you were drunk? No, not at all. But it does mean that if you did not want to do it, then you didn't want to do it. It means that the alcohol or drugs you did does not mean that it was your fault if someone assaulted you.
There are many ways of saying no that don't require you saying the word. If you are resistant at all or if any of your actions indicate that it is not what you want, then it should not happen. Just because you may not feel you can say the word no, for whatever reason, a person can tell if someone wants to have sex with them. Simply giving in does not mean a person is saying yes. And if a person cannot read a person when they are saying no in a non-verbal way that they do not want to have sex, then that person should not be engaging in sexual relations. My wish is that some day everybody will be able to say no, that there will be no reason that someone feels they should just give in. But until that day comes, my wish is that people who are sexually assaulted, either blatantly or in a more manipulating way, will realize that it is not their fault.
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